Spring Storm

I’m surrounded by sand covering my feet, hands, shoulders. Sand is pressing in on my chest. I’m gasping to breathe. In anger and despair I struggle and the sinking starts again. Helplessness over comes and sand starts pouring in pressing tighter still. I look up; there in the blue sky is hope. Then I think, why me? The sand stats to overcome me once again.

Last month has been one of the roughest. Most of my most stable relationships have been shaken and the unstable ones have fallen apart. I’m writing this from within the eye of the storm wanting to stay right here for a moment to breath and think. My mind nor heart were prepared for this spring. I was looking forward to growth but, could it please come in manageable pieces. It hasn't only rained this spring it has poured. I need to move forward into a better place without dragging all the hurt, pain, and sadness with me. In the past I would just suppress it all and change directions. My sink holes of life are created that way. A Sink hole always come back and until it does I stand on the edge looking into the chasm waiting. The looming dread takes away from the joys of life so that even joy has the feel of dread attached. I'm holding onto the ideas of what I don't want to and it prevents me from crashing completely. Here I sit but I can’t stay in the eye of the storm. Life is calling. The longer I sit the area of the storm damage expands. I realize that neither hurt, anger, frustration, sadness, shallow covering, full cover up, nor self deprecation will help me forward. The only idea on how to move forward that isn’t thrown aside instantly is Humility. Humility!? Maybe that is it. True humility is fearless, exposed, truthful and honoring to others. I sure wish there was another way. Humility is going to be much harder then lashing out in anger or covering up the real issues. I would rather just take my toys and go home to play in the security of the eye of the storm but that’s not realistic or sustainable. So, here I go forging a new way for me to actually deal not just cope through the storm, hoping it’s a healthier path then the ways of my past.