LA - I flew in, then out, and inbetween connected

I was in LA. My heart was in LA, my sole was in LA. Now I'm on the plane leaving. Happy to be on the plane with time for reflecting. The rich experiences haven't fully formulated yet. I know this one thing for sure. I love my BF more today then when I started this weekend. The closeness has the undercurrent of sadness. Living in states that are a full 2 day drive or a plane ride then a 4 hour drive isn't a trip either of us is able to make too often. She has always encouraged me to feel and this weekend I was available in a new way. I hope she felt it too. In the past she would do the feeling for both of us. This trip I didn't burden her with the weight of it all, probably for the very first time.

The plane landed at LAX at 11:50 PM. It is a cold and rainy Thursday night. Rental car pickup and navigation to the hotel were as most, not perfect but I got there. Quick hug and a few words about travel then off to bed. Friday morning I unpacked the bathroom bag when the minor forgotten things were noticed. I started my day by work from the hotel room as my BF went the office. Plans were to meet up for lunch. I started to get ready for lunch when I realized the major item that was forgotten was my makeup case. If this was a test overall I got a C. The attempt to go the weekend without makeup lasted till the end of lunch. I took the personal assistant out of my pocket and it quickly located the nearest makeup counter. Why not? I was scraping the bottom of my makeup and planed to replace in the next couple of weeks anyway. No makeup for the whole weekend? I'm not ready to be that bare and may never be. I'm not sure that this shedding process is calling for no makeup at least not now and possible not ever. This is about the small choices and being true within them. With the help of a sales lady I found a couple of items that complemented me while looked natural. No pressure to accentuate any particular feature felt like less stress and a step in the right direction. It let me feel the comfort to just be me, not the me put on to impress. The truth beauty of the weekend started then and there. In a gesture to keep the important in perspective I didn't shower. When pushing the priority of connection with my friend anxiety fell to the side. What stayed was love, laughter and the gift of a cherished weekend. What I didn't do was go granola. I still wore my tall heal boots that I can and did walk blocks soaking up some night life on Friday. We also spent the whole rainy Saturday inside shopping and with great success. Lunch was spent connecting into the real areas of each of our lives until interrupted by the waiter who might have thought we were a couple. We erupted at that thought with the silliest laughter. Sunday was an early morning road trip to visit the place that launched the book "The Purpose Driven Life". That book inspired me a few years back. How fitting that the inspirational book that started my journey toward deeper intersected into this moment. The beauty of fate is neither understood or deserved. Being thankful is the only reaction to have. The magic of the day was brought back into reality by the realization that my flight was in 1 hour 45 minutes from take off and I was 45 minutes from the hotel, the hotel was 15 minute away from airport, and I hadn't packed a thing. How does this happen? Well I am still me, good, bad and impossibility absent minded. My BF and I quickly fell into sync. She once again assumed the roll of taking care of me. What could have gone terribly wrong didn't. We made a perfect team without one unkind word said. We laughed about the quick good bye both knowing that my typical shutting down before a good bye is hard for both of us. That test will have to wait for a different day... for now I'll take the next two hours to continue processing the beauty of being in LA. Thankful for the truly beautiful moments. Encouraged to take it all back to my everyday.

Challenge #1 - Weekend in LA

There is a place where the beautiful dressed people captivate from morning till night and back around again. Where the hair, skin, and makeup are perfect in rain, sun, and wind.  Where no one ever ages past 25 or at least will never look it. This weeks challenge is a previously scheduled weekend away to visit my BF in Los Angeles, California. The challenge to hold true to truth beauty starts with packing. If I hadn't seen that House Wife show a few times I could dismiss the fairy tale LA that is in my mind. The pressure to create an exterior fairytale is a strong pull. On one hand I could play dress up for the weekend and blend in completely or rise to the challenge for more. My mind creates a storyboard of outfits set in the fairy tale LA scene. Staring me with the perfect exterior and hallow interior. I don't want to be hallow! I really want to be connected. Does the perfect stop me from connecting? - I think it might. The seemingly perfect is an actual shield. I shield away from others, limit my focus and don't see much of what or who is around me. I am not a shallow person but self preservation has lead to being situational self absorbed. So here is the battle, how do I deal with the social fears while being fully present and available? I now realize that the price of the shield is being in LA with out actually being me. The weekend adventure is taking a turn for the scary. Anxiety set fast and hard.

The story boards of perfect instantly turn to the nightmares of child hood. The little curly red hair girl steps into the scene of people all pointing, calling out the typical red head smears. Then other faces of start making a scene about the dramatic color of my hair or amount of hair and the little red head girl slowly fades till almost unseen. These faces all tell me I'm awful, different, and sometimes beautiful. All the little girl know is that standing out never feels good. None of the faces see the damage done and continue to go on and on regardless. So long ago the shield was started. The shield wasn't enough because the anxiety raged underneath. Controlling perception is the only relief from the anxiety. Piece by piece, trial and error, on top of the shield my box was built to protect, and control. The Box is beautiful especially when my inside is not. Through time I now have a box and a bow to upkeep. What once kept me from anxiety is now the source of it. Worse then the anxiety is the loneliness. How alone I feel when an acquaintance, and/or friend assumes my life is perfect. It's all my doing that they think this. Yet, loneliness tears around inside yelling out of worthlessness. I tuck those feelings in and go back to perfecting the box and bow.

I'm writing while on the plane to LA and need to confess that I did packed a few pieces of armor. I promise only to use them in extreme emergency because today I want more. I will be who I am, where I am. Experiencing and giving of my self to those I'm with is a choice that I am determined to learn to choose. Lofty goal for the LA weekend! The less guarded more available me is on this plane to LA. I'll let you know how it goes....

It started with a dress...

All this started because of a dress. A beautiful dress. A dress that fit perfect and was perfect for the occasion. It flattered but didn't show off inappropriately. A dress that was too expensive, that I didn't need. I had another dress that would be fine but not perfect. Oh yes, I needed that perfect dress. That evening I walked into an event in Chicago and needed a new perfect shield of armor to wear into the battle. You know the one, the battle of the critical eyes of judgement residing in unfamiliar faces who will never really know me. I prepare by creating what would be the best perceived persona I could conjure. Is that wrong? Absolutely nothing is wrong with getting a beautiful dress. My motivation to get that beautiful dress is wrong for more reasons then I realized in that moment. I through down the plastic and that beautiful dress regretfully became my armor for the evening. This is my journey, that is everything and nothing, about a dress...