There is a place where the beautiful dressed people captivate from morning till night and back around again. Where the hair, skin, and makeup are perfect in rain, sun, and wind. Where no one ever ages past 25 or at least will never look it. This weeks challenge is a previously scheduled weekend away to visit my BF in Los Angeles, California. The challenge to hold true to truth beauty starts with packing. If I hadn't seen that House Wife show a few times I could dismiss the fairy tale LA that is in my mind. The pressure to create an exterior fairytale is a strong pull. On one hand I could play dress up for the weekend and blend in completely or rise to the challenge for more. My mind creates a storyboard of outfits set in the fairy tale LA scene. Staring me with the perfect exterior and hallow interior. I don't want to be hallow! I really want to be connected. Does the perfect stop me from connecting? - I think it might. The seemingly perfect is an actual shield. I shield away from others, limit my focus and don't see much of what or who is around me. I am not a shallow person but self preservation has lead to being situational self absorbed. So here is the battle, how do I deal with the social fears while being fully present and available? I now realize that the price of the shield is being in LA with out actually being me. The weekend adventure is taking a turn for the scary. Anxiety set fast and hard.
The story boards of perfect instantly turn to the nightmares of child hood. The little curly red hair girl steps into the scene of people all pointing, calling out the typical red head smears. Then other faces of start making a scene about the dramatic color of my hair or amount of hair and the little red head girl slowly fades till almost unseen. These faces all tell me I'm awful, different, and sometimes beautiful. All the little girl know is that standing out never feels good. None of the faces see the damage done and continue to go on and on regardless. So long ago the shield was started. The shield wasn't enough because the anxiety raged underneath. Controlling perception is the only relief from the anxiety. Piece by piece, trial and error, on top of the shield my box was built to protect, and control. The Box is beautiful especially when my inside is not. Through time I now have a box and a bow to upkeep. What once kept me from anxiety is now the source of it. Worse then the anxiety is the loneliness. How alone I feel when an acquaintance, and/or friend assumes my life is perfect. It's all my doing that they think this. Yet, loneliness tears around inside yelling out of worthlessness. I tuck those feelings in and go back to perfecting the box and bow.
I'm writing while on the plane to LA and need to confess that I did packed a few pieces of armor. I promise only to use them in extreme emergency because today I want more. I will be who I am, where I am. Experiencing and giving of my self to those I'm with is a choice that I am determined to learn to choose. Lofty goal for the LA weekend! The less guarded more available me is on this plane to LA. I'll let you know how it goes....
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