Begin Again - IT's Time to Write

I have not been absent from life but blog writing has been absent from me. I can hardly believe that it's been almost two years since my last post. I haven't gained writing experience or skill but the two year gap will be felt in my posts to follow. I'm in such a different place yet, surprising to me, still have the same focus. I'm not looking to dig deep to find a diamond just to smooth out the edges. I hope to leave more questions then I answer. In that is why I am excited to begin again.

Evidence of Age

It's been a long day. Steam rises up from the sink as I soak the wash cloth. My tired eyes look in to the mirror before me not even bothering to focus. Then my eye catches sight of a bright white hair that is front and center on top of my head. My eyes now sharp spot more white hairs clumped together by my temple. I swear one of these days I'll wake up with one of those gray strips. I reach for the tweezers to to rip out the evidence of age. Yet today it's the evidence of age that gave me my greatest moment of joy and that moment almost didn't happen because my old ways of youth. Did I lie because I was insecure or was I insecure because I used to lie, probably a mix of both? I lied to seem important, hide who I was, to get attention, to get out of trouble, and sometimes for no reason at all. It's what I saw, what I did, and what I assumed everyone else did. Yesterday I had a tasted the ugly side of my youth.

An evening bonfire should be fun. It's a beautiful night and the thought of talking with so many friends......Oh yes, that friend. Really I did nothing wrong. I want to protect my friends feelings. It's not that big of a deal. My plan is to just not to say anything. It's not quite lying, and it's in her best interest not to know. I talk myself into it because lying goes against one of my primary foundations of truth. Yet, I went ahead with the plan to deceive. In the larger group of people, our smaller group of close friends form. Conversations start and then out came the first half truth. Justified as not actually a lie. The half truth didn't seem so awful. Then a bit later to keep the potentially hurtful thing further concealed a complete misleading statement came out of my mouth. My mind heard my words in slow motion and started turning them over and over in my mind the moment they left my mouth. How could I? I didn't actually lie. It's just the way she took what I said that made her think something that was not true. That's not all my fault. My friend had no idea of deception. I did a decent thing not hurting her feelings, right? As much as I tried to tell myself other wise the obsessive haunting of my words reviled the truth of my untruth. The bonfire ended, and our smaller group within the group disbanded. The lie remained intact doing the job for which it was intended. The dark ride home is where the weight of the lie hit me. I lied to a close friend. We've spent time building trust. What would this lie do when she finds out the truth? What was I thinking? The lie was much worse than the situation I lied about. A sick numb feeling started in my heart and dread of our next interaction was overwhelming. My mind floated back to these exact feelings from youth. My lies never created the security or protection as I had intended. My lies only created fear, insecurity, and loneliness. When I was twenty I humbly worked for months to untangle lies. I vowed never to live that way again. Those old feelings and current feelings collide and after all these years here I am again. With no justification or sugar coating, I replay the "little white lie" and faced the ugliness without modification. I can't believe how quickly the lying ways of my past came back to me. One thing I know from experience is that I need to correct this mess quickly because time only makes it worse.

First thing this morning, after my coffee of course, full of fear I called my friend and asked for her forgiveness. She was hurt by both the situation I was hiding and the lies I told to hide it. Admitting the truth was humbling and hard but hurting a friend, that I know has been betrayed by friendships in her past, was even worse than I thought it was going to be. The messy hard moment forged the path for an honest conversation to start. A conversation that needed to happen for awhile. It is that conversation that exposed the underlying issue that we both had known but had not acknowledged. Avoiding the issue became the crack in our friendship that proceeded the feeling for the need to lie. For both of us confronting the real issue became the catalyst for Joy. I feel the joy of a cherished friendship that can grow through tough times. Even greater joy is felt in the form of hope and excitement that our intertwined life paths continue to grow together.

Tonight with tweezers in hand I focus in on that gray hair right in front. Truthfully I have plenty of reminders that my foolish youth is behind me. So I rip out that gray hair. Heck, I still have a long way to go before wisdom or gray hair becomes fully prominent.

          

Forgive or has yet to Forgive? That is the question!

Why do people think the only proof that you’ve forgiven another person is if you resume a relationship with them? Forgive and forget isn’t real. I never forget especially emotional hurts. Emotional hurts are the memories that have the power to evoke painful emotions and in some cases haunt me for years. I loan out time, love, and trust and emotional hurt are like a financial debt burned into my mental list of debt and debtor. Forgiveness happens when I agree that the person no longer owes me for the emotional debt they have caused. Is then the only proof of forgiven debt to turn around and give the person another loan? No, that would be foolish. It’s also foolish to continue a relationship that is emotionally unhealthy. Emotional hurts can eat me alive by permeating my view of life with resentment, anger, discontentment and fear. Having that tainted view of the world and people around me causes me to act out in unhealthy ways. Coming to terms with an emotional hurt is such a personal thing. The way I handle hurt looks different from hurt to hurt. Sometimes forgiveness can seem instant, and other hurt is a long process sucking in energy and emotion from me and those around me. It’s a process contained fully within myself, and future relationship or not has no bearing on the actual progress. I have disbanded relationships due to emotional hurt where full forgiveness has happened. I have relationships with emotional hurts attached that I have no choice but to continue managed with strict boundaries yet forgiveness has happened. I also have relationships where emotional hurt has happened, and full forgiveness and full relationship have been able to resume. I sadly have disbanded relationships and resumed with boundary relationships where forgiveness is still in process. The worst of these relationships by far are the resumed relationships without forgiveness. A Resumed relationship without forgiveness is a tennis match of unhealthy exchange. Neither side aiming for the gaping wound but the fast reactionary verbal return hitting hard at the precise moment we let guard down just long enough to take a deep breath. Relationships resume all the time without forgiveness, Yet my forgiveness is judged solely on whether I have resumed the relationship? Yes, I have standards for relationships. We don’t become friends with just anyone. With broken relationships, those standards become more ridged just the same as a person with imperfect credit history trying to get a loan. It’s not out of the question for a person with imperfect credit to get a loan if the conditions are met. When debt forgiveness happens the loan amount is zero but when making decisions about future loans the fact of past woeful debt has to be considered. I have determined that some relationships just have too much risk of emotional hurt attached. I’ve also had friends walk away from me. I'm the debtor in that situation and it sucks. I’ve hurt my friend and sometimes don't even know why. Worse then that sometimes do know what happened but the hurt is such that I become the risky investment. I always try to find common understanding but realize that understanding between two people isn’t always possible. I am flawed and inconsiderate as anyone. I’m only loveable as a friend with deep understanding and a large amount of grace. Why should we continue relationships that just limp along? The right thing in my mind is to free up time and emotion to invest in people that deeply loving relationships have a chance to develop. Is that the true sign of forgiveness, wishing the best for a person whatever that maybe even if it does include me? Forgiveness is tricky business and to judge from the outside just shouldn’t be attempted. Working toward forgiveness should always be attempted even if the desired outcome isn't a future relationship.

To those disbanded relationships in my life: I hope your future relationships find a healthier path than the one we were able to achieve. The love in my heart wishes you well always.