Why do people think the only proof that you’ve forgiven another person is if you resume a relationship with them? Forgive and forget isn’t real. I never forget especially emotional hurts. Emotional hurts are the memories that have the power to evoke painful emotions and in some cases haunt me for years. I loan out time, love, and trust and emotional hurt are like a financial debt burned into my mental list of debt and debtor. Forgiveness happens when I agree that the person no longer owes me for the emotional debt they have caused. Is then the only proof of forgiven debt to turn around and give the person another loan? No, that would be foolish. It’s also foolish to continue a relationship that is emotionally unhealthy. Emotional hurts can eat me alive by permeating my view of life with resentment, anger, discontentment and fear. Having that tainted view of the world and people around me causes me to act out in unhealthy ways. Coming to terms with an emotional hurt is such a personal thing. The way I handle hurt looks different from hurt to hurt. Sometimes forgiveness can seem instant, and other hurt is a long process sucking in energy and emotion from me and those around me. It’s a process contained fully within myself, and future relationship or not has no bearing on the actual progress. I have disbanded relationships due to emotional hurt where full forgiveness has happened. I have relationships with emotional hurts attached that I have no choice but to continue managed with strict boundaries yet forgiveness has happened. I also have relationships where emotional hurt has happened, and full forgiveness and full relationship have been able to resume. I sadly have disbanded relationships and resumed with boundary relationships where forgiveness is still in process. The worst of these relationships by far are the resumed relationships without forgiveness. A Resumed relationship without forgiveness is a tennis match of unhealthy exchange. Neither side aiming for the gaping wound but the fast reactionary verbal return hitting hard at the precise moment we let guard down just long enough to take a deep breath. Relationships resume all the time without forgiveness, Yet my forgiveness is judged solely on whether I have resumed the relationship? Yes, I have standards for relationships. We don’t become friends with just anyone. With broken relationships, those standards become more ridged just the same as a person with imperfect credit history trying to get a loan. It’s not out of the question for a person with imperfect credit to get a loan if the conditions are met. When debt forgiveness happens the loan amount is zero but when making decisions about future loans the fact of past woeful debt has to be considered. I have determined that some relationships just have too much risk of emotional hurt attached. I’ve also had friends walk away from me. I'm the debtor in that situation and it sucks. I’ve hurt my friend and sometimes don't even know why. Worse then that sometimes do know what happened but the hurt is such that I become the risky investment. I always try to find common understanding but realize that understanding between two people isn’t always possible. I am flawed and inconsiderate as anyone. I’m only loveable as a friend with deep understanding and a large amount of grace. Why should we continue relationships that just limp along? The right thing in my mind is to free up time and emotion to invest in people that deeply loving relationships have a chance to develop. Is that the true sign of forgiveness, wishing the best for a person whatever that maybe even if it does include me? Forgiveness is tricky business and to judge from the outside just shouldn’t be attempted. Working toward forgiveness should always be attempted even if the desired outcome isn't a future relationship.
To those disbanded relationships in my life: I hope your future relationships find a healthier path than the one we were able to achieve. The love in my heart wishes you well always.
Very interesting Jen.
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